"If I have a near-beer, I’m near beer. And if I’m near beer, I’m close to tequila. And if I’m close to tequila, I’m adjacent to cocaine."

"You gotta laugh because if you didn't you'd cry"

"Everything I think of now is too rude to actually say."

"I didn't say no because between safety and adventure I choose adventure."

"I think when you become a parent you go from being a star in the movie of your own life to the supporting player in the movie of someone else's."

"I love zombies. If any monster could Riverdance, it would be zombies."

"Here cometh April again, and as far as I can see the world hath more fools in it than ever."

""People "run from rain but sit in bathtubs full of water."

"Sometimes you just have to pee in the sink."

"I'm a terrible cook. I am not allowed to go in the kitchen anymore after I almost burned down the apartment in New York."

"I rub a mixture of honey and salt all over my body to moisturise and exfoliate. You wash it off and your skin is gorgeous."

"It was funny, too, how lonesome a person could be in a crowded house."

"Be not affronted at a joke. If one throw salt at thee, thou wilt receive no harm, unless thou art raw."

"Being the 8th out of 10 kids, and being the one that stayed in trouble, I sort of became a momma's boy."

"Back before I injured my hip, I thought going to the gym was for wimps."

"I'm really not that funny in real life! But I am the best audience one could find. I love to laugh."

"My favourite comedian, of course, is Tim Conway. He has a way about him - being that belly-laugh kind of funny, and he has the improvisational skills, too. I've never seen anybody better."

"Funny is funny. I dare anyone to look at Tim Conway and Harvey Korman doing the dentist sketch, which is more than 40 years old, and not scream with laughter."

"I had a good loud voice and I wasn't afraid to be goofy or zany."

"I can't tell a joke to save my soul. It's just not my thing, though I love to listen to jokes."

"My mother was very funny. My dad had a great sense of humor. My grandmother, too."

"If I go to a party, I'm not one to be the funniest person in the room at all."

"I am not a joke-teller. Stand-up, I couldn't do."

"My preference is for people who can do sketch comedy or situational comedy, where it's not a joke, but it's telling a story."