"It's a book. It's mine. And it's done."

"I think commercialism helps Christmas and I think that the more capitalism we can inject into the Christmas holiday the more spiritual I feel about it"

"At CBS, I’m in your house. I’m mindful of that. When I do standup, you’re in my home and I can say what I want to."

"I do love America. And LA is a very short commute to America its like half an hour on the plane."

"Harry Potter, he sends a message on Owl Mail while us poor old muggles have to make do with instantaneous emails and texting. Oh, if only we could be like you Harry Potter, with your four day owl delivery!"

"It 's the time of year when Canadians mate."

"Old people really do have a secret though. You wanna know what it is? Luck."

"For my birthday that year Anne gave me an inflatable atlas globe, along with a birthday card in which she wrote: I give you the world. Have fun blowing it up."

"I found the prospect daunting, but somehow comforting, too, because the counselors insisted it could be done, and, after all, many of them were recovering alcoholics themselves."

"That's why I believe in a Constitution which separates church from state. I've seen what happens when they get in cahoots."

"Oh Satan you're a wily one."

"There is no Thanksgiving back in the old country where I come from. You know why? Because being thankful is a sin."

"The views expressed by Me are in no way endorsed by CBS any of its allied companies or in fact Me."

"From this moment on I'd dedicate my life to rock and roll and take as many drugs as possible. What could possibly go wrong?"

"Laughter separates us from despair, and gives us a chance at love."

"Ros was dead. He had loved heroin more than it loved him. I was shocked beyond imagining; he was the first of my friends to fall."

"You can never talk religion on network TV. It makes too many people angry. You can talk about sex."

"It seemed that I performed better sober than drunk. Who knew?"

"If you don't vote, you're a moron."

"People talk to old people like they're children.'Oh you're very old aren't you?' Yeah I'm old. I'm not stupid."

"I have that hypocrisy of a parent in that I'm like,'Come on, you've got to toughen up at the same time let me take care of that for you."

"You clap. The Censor wakes up. We all get into trouble."

"I think in our desire to create a better America,we have to have civilized debate in this country and not just yelling."

"Dr. Jeckyll & Mr. Hyde is a metaphor for alcoholism. He drinks a potion, becomes a monster. I know exactly how he feels."