"When a thing is funny, search it for a hidden truth."

"I am sick of reasonable people: they see all the reasons for being lazy and doing nothing."

"I've often said the most difficult things I have to say to people through humour. I can very quickly put someone in their place with it. But we all walk away unscathed because there's been some funnies around it, and I'll usually make sure that it comes back at me."

"Funny how women are ashamed of their inner fairy whereas men are forever proudly displaying their inner cowboy or fireman"

"It is funny the things that run through your mind when you're sitting in your underpants in front of a pair of strangers."

"I love things made out of animals. It's just so funny to think of someone saying, "I need a letter opener. I guess I'll have to kill a deer."

"Acid gave me a clinical, unblinking look at madness, and I discovered I wasn't brave enough to be insane."

"It turns out that speeding irresponsibly in a large truck, placing personal wealth ahead of the welfare of others, is one of the greatest sins in the Universe...."

"Violence of any kind, once it starts, is like fucking a gorilla-you ain't done till the gorilla's done."

"I like to believe that there is an extra warm corner of hell for these fuckers who traffic in emotional misery."

"I don’t think being a comedian gives you any fucking insight into what makes people laugh."

"A junkie will steal your purse, and then help you look for it."

"Its like a sort of internet Ren Fair. Its like Dungeons & Dragons but for cool people who have got friends."

"I do a public access show with puppets. Puppets called actors, TV and movie stars."

"I know the fashion is that everything is fair game [for comedy material] but I don't believe that."

"I was ambitious and desperate to direct my first film, so I capitulated and blew it. Never again. Never fucking again."

"My mother was tickled and I think kind of proud when my father got hit on my an attractive middle-aged Asian lady who hadn't noticed he was with his family. He was certainly pleased about it."

"The clocks understood, they kept moving, motion, following the truth that change is the nature of God's mind, and resistance to it is the source of great pain."

"If you absolutely believe that what you do is right, you're bullet-proof."

"Tomorrow is your future's yesterday."

"Strange star-like object over Oslo right before Obama arrives. A gift of a golden medal given by a group of wise men... Nah."

"My job is to find the politicians and the presidents and the pompous people who are telling other people how to live, powerful, visible creatures and ... go at them."

"I realize that I am not a journalist. So anything I say is not important."

"That's why Credit card companies are evil. Are they sponsoring the show tonight? ... They are Evil."