"Much of television has been homogenized in the desire to avoid annoying or upsetting people."

"There's a commercial break coming and I'm very excited about it and you know why? Because that's what keeps daddy in suits."

"Look, there is nothing you can say about this show that I don't already know"

"By the power of Steven Wright's Beard!"

"I think comedy as an art involves the audience as a participant as much as is involves the artist."

"I didn't flee a dictator or swim an ocean to be an American like some do. I just thought long and hard about it."

"Sometimes my pathology just spills out into the camera doesn't it?"

"I had lived in fear of the fabled terrifying visions that assail chronic drinkers, but which had not yet attacked me."

"114 isn't as old as it used to be they say its the new 104."

"After all this time I found that the novel is in fact punk rock."

"Congratulations to the NBA champion Boston Celtics - they beat the Los Angeles Lakers by 39 points. Or as Hillary Clinton would say, "Too close to call."

"Time is only linear for engineers and referees."

"I think people are as individual as snowflakes, they kinda look alike but no two are the exactly the same, and all classification is the root of prejudice."

"Stand by your bed and salute me."

"The Bible has been through at least half a dozen translations by the time you read it. Plus, when the word of God is infected by the hand of man, that is, written down, it is tainted."

"You know who they're blaming for global warming now? This is true. Fat people."

"I don't think wood was discovered in Britain until the 1970's. That's when I discovered it anyway."

"If you can't trust, you can't be trustworthy."

"I found out it is just as hard to make a movie that you are not proud of as it is to make one you love."

"This book could scare them. The sex, the violence, the dream sequences and the iconoclasm - I think a lot of people are uncomfortable with that. I understand that. It was very uncomfortable to write some of it"

"The world can be such a fright, but it belongs to us tonight."

"Even the incorruptible are corruptible if they cannot accept the possibility of being mistaken. Infallibility is a sin in any man. All laws can be broken and are. Often."

"With good parody, you have to be smarter that the people you’re parodying."

"This story is true. Of course, there are many lies therein and most of it did not happen, but it's all true. In that sense it is deeply religious, perhaps even biblical."