"The worst gift I was given is when I got out of rehab that Christmas; a bottle of wine. It was delicious."

"Divorce lawyers stoke anger and fear in their clients, knowing that as long as the conflicts remain unresolved the revenue stream will keep flowing."

"She still cared for me, and the best way I could make amends to her was to be happy. I do have a knack for finding great women."

"Sometimes people think you’re smart if you question the status quo, if nothing else."

"It may be that the fear contains information. Something can be interesting if you get to the other side of that fear."

"I have a deep and profound mistrust of all politicians."

"I think holidays create so much pressure because people feel they should be having a good time. But you shouldn't."

"I'm not so much a dragon slayer, more a dragon annoyer -- I'm a dragon irritater."

"I knew that I had been partially right in the storeroom above the bar on Christmas Day. Whoever I had become had to die."

"Oprah's quitting in 2011. Now we know why the Mayans ended their calendar in 2012"

"You better watch out. You better not cry. You better not pout, I'm telling you why, Cause Santa Clause might put a cap in your ass."

"Canada is not the party. Its the apartment above the party."

"When in doubt about who's to blame. Blame the English."

"Every day I ran to that book like it was a bottle of whiskey and crawled inside because it was a world that I had at least some control over, and slowly, in time, it began to take shape."

"Twas the night before Thanksgiving. All the food's in the oven. And I'm in the bedroom performin' self lovin'."

"I freely admit I'm confused. I'm a confused and troubled individual but at the same time...Its Free!"

"I'm always a bit shy around evil people..."

"Its easier to feel a little more spiritual with a couple of bucks in your pocket."

"I'm gonna enjoy being old I think I'll be awesome at it."

"I don’t think there’s anything wrong with telling the truth. I know it isn’t fashionable."

"I don't just like sexual double entendres I love them, I stroke them, I milk them, I spank them when they're naughty."

"Thanks cows. I appreciate your tastiness."

"Whether I or anyone else accepted the concept of alcoholism as a disease didn't matter; what mattered was that when treated as a disease, those who suffered from it were most likely to recover."

"Anyone who's just driven 90 yards against huge men trying to kill them has earned the right to do Jazz hands."