“I met the surgeon general – he offered me a cigarette.” – 

“My wife’s jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day she looked at my calendar and wanted to know who May was.” – 

“My uncle’s dying wish – he wanted me on his lap. He was in the electric chair.” –

“A girl phoned me the other day and said…’Come on over, there’s nobody home.’ I went over. Nobody was home.” –

“With my wife I don’t get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to ‘the best woman a man ever had.’ The waiter joined me.” – 

“My wife is always trying to get rid of me. The other day she told me to put the garbage out. I said to her I already did. She told me to go and keep an eye on it.” – 

“This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the fruit-of-the-loom guys laughing at me.” –

“I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.” – 

“I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.”

“It’s tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won’t drink from my glass.” –

“What a dog I got, his favorite bone is in my arm.” – 

“I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous – everyone hasn’t met me yet.” – 

“I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. He told me to wear a brown tie.”

“My wife was afraid of the dark…then she saw me naked and now she’s afraid of the light.”

“My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you’re ugly too.”

Marriage...it's not a word, it's a sentence.

“I like to literally put women on a pedestal” 

Twitter is television for intellectuals.

If you’re smart, you should be able to figure out how to be happy. Otherwise, you’re not that smart.

Develop ‘strategic incompetence’ – people won’t ask you to do things you hate to do, if you’re bad at them.

People who try to look smart by pointing out obvious exceptions actually signal the opposite.

Given that the main function of universities these days is filtering and signaling, the best move is to get admitted to Stanford and then drop out.

A vacation is a very expensive way to schedule the time to read a book in peace.

We’re basically monkeys on a small rock orbiting a small backwards star in a huge galaxy, which is in an absolutely staggeringly gigantic universe, which itself may be part of a gigantic multiverse.