... if they [your children] write their names in the dust on the furniture, don't let them put the year.

Women want men, careers, money, children, friends, luxury, comfort, independence, freedom, respect, love, and a three-dollar pantyhose that won't run.

One [expert] said, 'Always have a baby sitter who is acquainted with your children.' If they were acquainted with my children, they wouldn't sit!

You want to look younger... rent smaller children.

The reason I'm not an alcoholic is I don't like to drink in front of the kids . . . and when you're away from them, who needs it?.

Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle - keep away from children.

Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.

I was the world's ugliest baby. I have photos of my folks leaving the hospital with sacks over their heads... I asked my mother how to turn off the electric fan. She said 'Grab the blade!

My mother hated me. Once she took me to an orphanage and told me to mingle

I'd love to slit my mother-in-law's corsets and watch her spread to death.

I'd love to slit my mother-in-law's corsets and watch her spread to death.

All I ever learned at my mother's knee was what a bony knee looked like.

I got my first laugh when my mother entered me in a baby contest.

Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.

We named all our children Kid. Well, they have different first names, like Hey Kid, You Kid, Dumb Kid . . .

We named all our children Kid. Well, they have different first names, like Hey Kid, You Kid, Dumb Kid . . .

My husband is so cheap. On Christmas Eve, he fires one shot and tells the kids Santa committed suicide.

We have far too many kids. At one time in the playpen there was standing-room only. It looked like a bus stop for midgets. It used to get so damp in there, we'd have a rainbow above it.

We have far too many kids. At one time in the playpen there was standing-room only. It looked like a bus stop for midgets. It used to get so damp in there, we'd have a rainbow above it.

Right from the start my parents had left me to fend for myself. Apparently unaware that I was a kid, they invariably treated me like an adult, perhaps because they themselves were no spring chickens.

When I was a kWhen I was a kid and we used to play Post Office, I was the Dead Letter Office.id and we used to play Post Office, I was the Dead Letter Office.

Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like shoveling the sidewalk before it stops snowing

I should have suspected my husband was lazy. On our wedding day, his mother told me: "I'm not losing a son; I'm gaining a couch."

My mother-in-law must be the probation officer I got for the crime I committed of marrying my husband.