"I have a couple of jokes that are politically oriented, but it just sickens me to do them."

"I've just never been a person that was political or religiously savvy. Except for the fact that I was born Jewish. That gives me 10 circumcision jokes."

"I love performing. I love the people. I sound like Liza Minnelli right now, don't I?"

"I wasn't the first choice for the role of Danny Tanner. Betty White was. Not true, but there was another actor whom they had shot the pilot with."

"People learn English from 'Full House.' Candace's husband, Valeri Bure, he learned to speak English watching it... 'Aw, nuts.' 'You got it, dude.'"

"I really love standup because it's something that I've been literally doing for 40 years, which means I'm a thousand years old."

"It's still a soft R, but when I watch other people's standup, I'm dumbfounded that people call me dirty. That's only because I did family television."

"I had enough therapy to know when I broke it down, it became clearer to me: Yes, comedy was kind of a cleansing thing for me to do."

"Now I've literally become neighborhood watch. I call 911 on people. I'm the old man driving 25-miles-per-hour down Sunset."

"I think things just happen to people. That's healthier, I feel, than believing there's some grand scheme where your story is already inscribed in the Book of Life. Books get rewritten."

"There's just something about the audiences in Detroit that I've always felt connected to. Detroit is different."

"The whole thing for me is that I did 'Full House' and 'America's Funniest Home Videos,' and I look like a dentist, and I'm a dad. Being known as a dirty comedian turned into this weird thing. It's people's image of me."

"Like with any good art form, if you can entertain people and make them think, it's an honor. It's just an honor to be a comedian."

"One of the first things I ever did was 'Critical Condition.' That was before 'Full House.' It was a Richard Pryor movie. I didn't have a giant part, but I was in it throughout. I loved the heck out of it."

"Comedy is harder than drama, because with comedy you're expecting a result..you make them laugh. [If] they ain't laughing then you're screwed."

Comedy is probably a way of dealing with anxiety. Sometimes it's a way of dealing with pain.

The reason I turn down 99% of a hundred, I mean a thousand, scripts is because romantic comedies are often very romantic but seldom very funny.

I tend to stay away from the comics.

In youth we run into difficulties. In old age difficulties run into us.

"The dictionary is a perfect example of overalphabetization, with its harsh rules and every little word neatly in place. It almost makes me want to go on a diet of grapes and waste away to nothing."

"Finally, we do become wise, but then it's too late"

"It's so beautiful where I am today that it makes me wonder where I am."

"They told me to just "act like myself." When I said, "How do I do that?" they said to just have fun with it, but I'm not sure what they meant."

"Harder you Try, Luckier you get"