I'm a qualified swimming instructor.

I try and avoid the big comics in Edinburgh. You can see them on tour. Edinburgh is all about seeing the smaller comedians.

If anything kept me awake at night it would be worrying that there wouldn't be enough time to have a nap the next day.

There are many terms that have been used to describe me: man, comedian, disappointment, hammock enthusiast.

I nearly got hit by a car while I was trying to write a stupid joke but a female sheep stood in the way. I can't thank ewe enough.

I'd love to grow a pair of discreet wings so I could just fly around a bit and impress people.

I make a sensational chicken, chorizo and mung bean stew.

I'm not sure if I'm an introvert or extrovert. I love being around people, but sometimes I do need to go off and fart.

My parents have always been very supportive and it hasn't been an issue. Mum worried I might get more problems in life because of my bisexuality but I think people are more liberal now.

Every hairstyle I have is funny because my barber is a standup comedian by the slightly unfortunate name of Paul Sweeney. His cuts are fantastic but the chats are even better.

I've got really into gardening.

It's a cliche, but the people who enjoy your work and who come up and say, 'I enjoyed that and I liked that,' they are the people who ultimately are keeping you in work. And so, it would be rude and ungrateful of me to be anything but polite.

Every year I buy a big faux-fur coat for the winter.

Boy George is all England needs - another queen who can't dress.

The worst thing that ever happened to me on stage is someone ran forward to tell me they loved me and projectile vomited all over the stage. It was horrible.

Don't tell your kids you had an easy birth or they won't respect you. For years I used to wake up my daughter and say, 'Melissa you ripped me to shreds. Now go back to sleep.'.

My career is as an actress. I am an actress playing a comedienne.

Before we make love my husband takes a pain killer.

I walk on a stage, and I know if it's been a good show or not. You know when it's been a good interview. No one has to tell you. You know it. You feel it. You can feel the air. You can feel everything about it when it's a good show. And you know when you've messed up.

All my friends are dying. That's why I always wear black.

Every comedian is furious. Age makes me angry. I'm unhappy at not being able to open packages anymore. I'm angry that libraries have gone. I hate children on planes. I'm very shallow, so they tend to be little things. To be honest, I think I was probably angry the day I was born, you know, about diapers or something.

I had a friend who was a plastic surgeon, so he would do little things. I never had, like, a full thing. So I would go in maybe once every two or three years, and he'd do a little here, a little there; tweak you, like you tweak your car. Then I became the plastic surgery poster girl.

I always like a charity with people who don't speak English because I get them to do all kinds of things around my house.

I think any celebrity that adopts a child from a third world country is a fool.