Humor Quotes

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"I think humor is the best gift, and if you can't laugh at yourself, who can you laugh at?"
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Cameron Diaz

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"I've often said the most difficult things I have to say to people through humour. I can very quickly put someone in their place with it. But we all walk away unscathed because there's been some funnies around it, and I'll usually make sure that it comes back at me."
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Dawn French

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"I've always had a way with the little people, making it a point to humor them without looking down my nose at their wasted empty lives."
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David Sedaris

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“We hang the petty thieves and appoint the great ones to public office.”
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Aesop

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“There are approximately 1,010,300 words in the English language, but I could never string enough words together to properly express how much I want to hit you with a chair." (Alexander Hamilton, to Thomas Jefferson)”
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Alexander Hamilton

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“There are always some lunatics about. It would be a dull world without them.”
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Arthur Conan Doyle

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“Picnics are very dear to those who are in the first stage of the tender passion.”
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Arthur Conan Doyle

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“It is the German who is so uncourteous to his verbs”
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Arthur Conan Doyle

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“He made the country down in Illinois, and He made the Missouri", the little girl continued. "I guess somebody else made the country in these parts. It's not nearly so well done. They forgot the water and the trees.”
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Arthur Conan Doyle

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“Watson,' said he, 'if it should ever strike you that I am getting a little over-confident in my powers, or giving less pains to a case than it deserves, kindly whisper 'Norbury' in my ear, and I shall be infinitely obliged to you.”
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Arthur Conan Doyle

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“I trust that age doth not wither nor custom stale my infinite variety.”
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Arthur Conan Doyle

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“The statesman received us with that old-fashioned courtesy for which he is remarkable, and seated us on the two luxuriant lounges on either side of the fireplace. Standing on the rug between us, with his slight, tall figure, his sharp features, thoughtful face, and curling hair prematurely tinged with gray, he seemed to represent that not too common type, a nobleman who is in truth noble.”
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Arthur Conan Doyle

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“That head of yours should be for use as well as
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Arthur Conan Doyle

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My sense of humor will always stand in the way of my seeing myself, my family, my race or my nation as the whole intent of the universe.
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Zora Neale Hurston

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Good humor may be said to be one of the very best articles of dress one can wear in society.
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William Makepeace

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Whether you like it or not, you are committed to the human endeavor. I cannot ally myself with such a purely negative goal as avoidance of suffering. Suffering is a chance you take by the fact of being alive.
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William Seward

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No mind is thoroughly well-organized that is deficient in a sense of humor.
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Samuel Taylor Coleridge

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People of humor are always in some degree people of genius.
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Samuel Taylor Coleridge

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The problem with having a sense of humor is often that people you use it on aren't in a very good mood.
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Lou Holtz

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I prefer situational or character-based humor to gross-out gags and comedic set pieces.
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Ari Graynor

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It’s not that I’m so smart, it’s just that I stay with problems longer.
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Albert Einstein

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I’m always impressed by confidence, kindness and a sense of humor.

Quote by - Tamara Mellon

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Download

You have a nice personality, but not for a human being.
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Henny Youngman

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Making something of loss is, on some level, satisfying.
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Garth Stein

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I kinda expected to turn the bottle and see a recipe. "So that's how you make ice cubes. Apparently you just freeze this stuff. Oh, but you need a tray. That's how they trick you into it."
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Jim Gaffigan

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Wouldn't it have been weird to go to high school with the Pope? You know, somebody did, someone's sitting at home, watching TV in Poland, they see the Pope, they think, "That guy was a jerk! He was so mean to me and now he's Pope? I got a swirly from the Pope!"
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Jim Gaffigan

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I see some people with glasses here, I trust people with glasses, don't you? But if you're wearing your glasses like this ... "Get away from 'em!"
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Jim Gaffigan

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I never have free time, I don't know about you. You ever go to the cash machine, there's two people in line in front of you and you get kinda flustered, you're like "Forget it! I'm not standing here for 40 seconds. I got things to do, okay?"
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Jim Gaffigan

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I don't know about you, but when they first introduced bottled water, I thought it was so funny, I was like "Bottled water! Haha, they're selling bottled water! ... I guess I'll try it. Ah, this is good, this is more watery than water. Yeah, this has got a water kick to it."
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Jim Gaffigan

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Every now and then I'll read a book, I'll be so proud of myself, I'll try and squeeze it into conversation. People will be like, "Hey Jim, how ya do-" "I read a book! Two hundred and fifty pages!" "That's great, what was it about?" "No idea! Took me three years!"
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Jim Gaffigan

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I was looking at a bottle of water; they have nutritional facts printed on the side. You know, I'm no chemist, but I have a rough idea what's in water.
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Jim Gaffigan

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Why do you have to be out of town to write a postcard? I want a to write a postcard to my neighbor: "I still live near you!" The guy sees me go into my apartment, flips the card over, it's just a picture of me holding a rifle.
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Jim Gaffigan

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That's why when I send a postcard I quiz people. "Hey, did you get that postcard?" "Yeah, yeah yeah." "Well what'd I say?" "Uh, you were havin-" "I was in jail"
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Jim Gaffigan

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You ever get a postcard, you get so excited you don't even read it! "Hey I got a - who cares."
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Jim Gaffigan

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It's strange how interesting your dreams are, but when someone tries to tell you their dream you're just like "WHATEVER! Why don't you send me an e-mail so I can delete it?"
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Jim Gaffigan

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Whenever you go out to eat you gotta get the appetizer. 'Cause the appetizer's just an excuse for an extra meal. You're always like "Lets see, I will start with the 80 buffalo wings...and do you have a low-cal blue cheese? 'Cause I don't wanna fill up too much."
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Jim Gaffigan

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You ever look for the remote control, but you can't find it, so you just decide, "Ah, guess I'm not watching TV. I'm not gonna take two steps and turn it on myself. I'll go to the gym if I'm going to work out."
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Jim Gaffigan

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For me, stand-up comedy is a conversation between me and the audience. I have to keep them listening. When I'm making jokes about cake for twenty minutes, I have to make sure my audience is interested and following where I'm going.
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Jim Gaffigan

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You think when gym teachers were younger, they're thinking, "You know, I want to teach...but I don't want to read. How about kickball for 40 years?"
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Jim Gaffigan

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I am single, I don't drink. It's kind of hard to get a woman buzzed when you don't drink. You'll be like, "Yeah, I'll have a glass of water, you want a shot of Jäger? You want eight of 'em?"
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Jim Gaffigan

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You ever find yourself being lazy for no reason at all? Like, you pick up your mail, you go in your house, you realize you have a letter for a neighbor. You ever just look at the letter and go "Hm. Looks like they're never getting this. It'll take too much energy to go back outside. I'm gonna get that to them later on. Right now I gotta watch some 'Love Connection.' They got some new host on there."
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Jim Gaffigan

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There were times in my life when I had one thing to do all day, but I still couldn’t get to it. “I gotta go to the post office, but I’d probably have to put on pants. And they’re only open till five. Looks like I’m going to have to do that next week.
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Jim Gaffigan

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I'm bald, blind and pale. I'm like a gigantic recessive gene.
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Jim Gaffigan

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Have you seen the bologna that has the olives in it? Who's that for? 'I like my bologna like a martini. With an olive.' 'I'll have the bologna sandwich - dirty.'
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Jim Gaffigan

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Life is a little easier for attractive people. Think about it: if a stranger smiles at you and they’re attractive, you think, ‘Oh, they’re nice,’ but if a stranger’s ugly, you’re like, ‘What do they want? Get away from me, weirdo.
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Jim Gaffigan

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Now don't get me wrong, I love animals, but I like eatin' 'em more... fun to pet, better to chew.
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Jim Gaffigan

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I'm quite good at talking about things I care about.
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Russell Howard

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Satire is tragedy plus time.
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Lenny Bruce

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